06 January 2015

The reward

An acquaintance and I have been talking the past few months about relationships.  For the entire time I've known him he has warred between wanting the stability of a committed relationship and all that brings and being faithfully unfaithful to any woman he's ever dated.  A womanizer of sorts.

One night we were talking about women's expectations.  He was telling me that all he can do is be honest with people....women.  He seemed confused that even when he is honest with them, they still desire more from him.  I told him there's a difference between being honest and being right.  Just because you are being honest doesn't mean you're right.  I also told him that some women easily fall in love with the illusion of who he is.  He's a charmer. Attractive.  That's what they see.  Even though he's out with other women and is telling them so, they are still holding on to the illusion of who they believe he can be. 

We have these kind of conversations. He and I.

Fast forward a few months and I came across a picture of him obviously intoxicated grabbing a woman's behind.  It wasn't cute by any means.  I texted him the picture and told him he should be embarrassed...we're simply too old for this.  In case you didn't know, that's what you get when you deal with Niecy....honesty.  This recent conversation caused a falling out of sorts. He said he was being vulnerable with me and I used it against him  I told him I simply see right as right and wrong as wrong and I don't believe in sugarcoating the truth.  He told me he thought maybe I was jealous. I was nothing of the sorts. I just felt bad for him.

Once we finally got over the hurt feelings of me being honest with him,  I told him he really needs to check his character.  He told me he's honest about everything he is doing with everyone involved and that's the best he can do.  I told him he was wrong.  It doesn't matter the things we see it matters who you are. Period.

As the conversation progressed and I asked him why he doesn't just take a break from it all and do the work to be ok with himself, he told me that his current girlfriend has stuck it out with him, knows he's not ready to commit to just her, and for that he was going to reward her in 2015.  I laughed. Literally. Out loud.

I've talked about this before and if you've read my blog for anytime you know I have a BIG issue with this thought process.  How, after cheating on a woman and doing everything but committing and honoring her while you're dating, does putting a ring on it become her great reward?  How are you a reward if everyone in town has slept with you?

I was bothered.

I told him so.

Let me tell you. 

Fellas - you are NOT the reward. 

She is.

Proverbs 18:22

Now to my point of it all.  This thinking is damaging.  That all women want is to be married.  That we have lost the sense of our worth so much that we will settle for the man who instead of pursuing us and honoring us, will cheat and tell us so then put a ring on it as our reward.  I know...we as women have allowed this.  Have become the ride or die who will stick by these men until they are ready.  Where are the kings who understand that when they find a wife, she is good, and they receive favor from the Lord?  Where are the queens who understand finding you is a good thing?  If he won't honor you, respect you, and do right by you when ya'll are dating, guess what, the messiness doesn't just stop when he puts a ring on it.  I've worn that t-shirt.

When those words came out of his mouth I was shocked.  I still am as I write this.  Where did this thinking come from? What can we do to change it?  We have to know our worth, ladies and fellas, you have to understand that you are not the reward, she is.

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